Most people are very uncomfortable with feeling like someone is angry with them or that they have disappointed them in some way. As human beings, we enjoy being liked by others! That is a core experience we long for even as children. For example, a toddler frequently checks in with their parent’s facial expressions because they are looking for affirmation that they are doing something pleasing. What is mirrored back to us as children is a part of how our sense of self is formed.I believe this comes out of our innate desire for connection. Somewhere along the way, many get stuck in people pleasing tendencies out of an avoidance of rejection. “If I don’t make them happy right now, they will be angry with me.” The fear of disappointing another person could result in a break of connection and ultimately feeling rejection.
I was recently teaching a parent night class for a local church and a few friends of mine were coming. About an hour before, one of them texted me, “I really hate to bail on you, but I’m not sure I’m going to make it tonight. I have been gone every single night for the last week and a half and I will be out the next three nights. I’m so exhausted and have excruciating tooth pain. . . I’m so torn. I might show up but just in case I don’t, you know why.” This sweet woman had every reason to not come. In fact, she did not owe me this long explanation. She could have simply said, “Girl, I am so exhausted I can barely wiggle. I’m so sorry I cannot make it tonight.” I know all about burning the candle at both ends. Our intentions can truly be so pure: doing good things or loving others well. If we aren’t careful, our identities can get wrapped up in this and the focus can become about pleasing others at our own expense. We can lose our authenticity and identity because we are so fearful of rejection.
Sometimes our people pleasing tendencies can show up in another form. Where are my perfectionistic people at? It is absolutely fine to want to do things well. In fact, I believe being invested in something you’ve committed to is not only responsible but can even be stewarding your gifts and time well. When it teaters to a place you are driven to to maintain a flawless image because you are trying to avoid criticism, failure or rejection, you are operating out of a people pleasing impulses. If you are constantly putting pressure on yourself to not only meet the mark but exceed it, there is a continuous momentum to avoid the potential shame or feelings of disappointment that may lie beneath. You may even notice trying to control situations to ensure you remain highly regarded. Although it gives you the dopamine hit you are chasing, it is an exhausting pattern to live in.
You may be wondering how you can break these people pleasing tendencies. First of all, know it takes time to break the pattern you’ve been operating in for years leading up to today. Give yourself grace. Small steps lead to big changes over time. Self-awareness is key to breaking this pattern. When you say “yes,” are you aware at the moment why you are saying “yes” or why a “no” may be appropriate? I’ve sat with many clients over the years that have done this for so long they often do not recognize when they are doing it. This is where therapy can be really helpful. You can explore what the root is and what your triggers are for accommodating others at your own expense. Self-awareness increases your ability to see your own value and begin advocating for yourself. As this grows, you can learn to implement boundaries. This is often very anxiety provoking for the pleaser because you are taking a risk of rejection. You may even feel guilt that your boundary is inconveniencing another person. Self-judgment may even creep in saying that you are being selfish! At this point you may be saying, “April, this sounds terrible. Why would I do something that might bring up such terrible feelings?” There may be comfort in the familiarity of the unhealthy patterns, but you deserve to live life NOT out of a place of fear. It is very important to value yourself and your needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Overtime, it leads to burnout, resentment and you never really feel fulfilled because it’s temporary and fleeting. Making these changes will actually improve your mental health and you will see an increase in personal growth. You can be strategic about what and who you invest in verses being tugged in every direction because you are chasing external acceptance.